Top Chef Reunion

Last night's Top Chef: Chicago Reunion Special was entertaining, but left me wanting more.
Wouldn't you love to see a Quickfire Challenge between Padma & Tom versus Ted & Gail? Then have the cheftestants judge them! Now that would be a fun reunion special!
Instead, we got the clips of f-bombs, fights (of course hearing Dale called a little "bitch" doesn't really grow old!), alleged bromance, and a reel of sourpuss Lisa scowling.
Richard got beamed in from Atlanta where he waited for the birth of his daughter - and the producers sent him a Top Chef logo onesie for the baby. Which was immediately flogged as being available at Bravo TV dot com.... also available is Andrew's "I have a culinary boner" saying on a T-shirt. I guess Bravo didn't make enough from Gladware and Evian product placement.
Best part for me was not Richard calling Dale's nipples "beautiful" but the Black Hammer segment on Antonia. That was something we didn't see as viewers over the course of the season, and it was amusing.
Most awkward part: the host asking Zoi and Jenn if internet rumors of their breakup were factual. Jenn tried to say that they'd experienced "bumps" while a fighting-tears Zoi said their private lives were shared enough with the public and from now on they were to be private. Oh honey, then you shouldn't have gone on a reality TV show!
While I wish that Antonia or Richard had been named Fan Favorite, so they could have shared the wealth, I was happy that our gal Stephanie reigned supreme with viewers as well as the judges. As Fan Favorite, Stephanie got ten thousand dollars, and that will go a long way in helping open up her new restaurant in Chicago, I'm sure.

Next week, we get Shear Genius with Jacyln Smith and a new crop of reality TV contestants to dish about. But it won't be the same as Top Chef!

Yay! Stephanie!

Could the producers have made the Top Chef: Chicago Season Finale more tension-filled?
I don't freakin' think so!
Damn that Lisa for suddenly finding a pleasant personality and pulling her sour shit together for the last episode.
But overall, it would have been Stephanie's meal that I would have wanted to eat.
60% of America agreed with me - in the Bravo TV poll, Stephanie was the clear majority winner with voters.
Richard choked, Lisa actually made an edible meal, but
Stephanie is TOP CHEF!

And yes, I whooped for joy. I'm truly happy for her!

I have only one more thing to say:
Next Wednesday = Top Chef: Chicago Reunion Show!

Top Chef Finale Tonight

Tonight's the Top Chef: Chicago season 4 finale, and we're back to Puerto Rico with Chef Tom, Padma and the gang for the final challenge.

Will it be Stephanie?

Or will it be Richard?

Seriously, if it's sourpuss Lisa, I will never watch Bravo again. I find it hard to believe that the judges would reward consistently poor attitude, poor cooking, and poor seasoning.
I thought from the first episodes that it would be down to Richard and Stephanie, and still I am rooting for them both.

Top Chef Chicago Goes to Puerto Rico

So, it's the next-to-the-last week of Top Chef: Chicago and we're off to sunny tropical Puerto Rico for part one of the Season Finale with Lisa, Stephanie, Richard, and Antonia.
Guest Chef Wilo Benet and Padma give the cheftestants their Quickfire Challenge: create two different Puerto Rican-style fritters using plantains as an ingredient in each. Now, I've had fried plantain before and it was like a flavorless starchy banana. I immediately think of a fruit fritter, but the chefs go for pairing the plantain with things like tuna and duck.
Antonia and Richard's fritters were Chef Wilo's least favorites, and even though Lisa gets a "great job" for hers, Wilo chooses Stephanie as the winner of the Quickfire Challenge. While having won Elimination Challenges before, Steph says this is her first Quickfire win.
After the Challenge, Wilo invites them to a street party, where Padma gets her fun on and dances with the locals. Richard basically states, "I don't dance, don't ask me."
The next day, at the Puerto Rican Governor's mansion/fort, Tom and Padma tell the chefs that for their Elimination Challenge, they will be serving pork dishes to at a cocktail party hosted by the First Lady of Puerto Rico.
They each get a whole pig, and have to make 3 dishes from it.
The twist is revealed - four eliminated chefs appear to help: Dale, Nikki, Spike, and Andrew. Stephanie, as winner of the Quickfire Challenge, gets to pair the eliminated chefs with the current chefs.
Stephanie chooses Dale for herself, then pairs Richard with Spike, Antonia with Nikki, and then she sticks Lisa with Andrew. Of course, Lisa doesn't get along with anyone, so I would have made the exact same decisions as Steph.
The eliminated chefs are sent to the market to shop for fruits and veggies, while the contestants have to butcher their pigs. Lots of broken utensils fly around the kitchen. What the hell? Maybe it's because I grew up on a farm and have also carved the Thanksgiving turkey my entire adult life, but I could butcher a pig without breaking mallets. I mean, seriously, what was up with hacking your knife with a mallet?
A pigeon bursts into flight inside the governor's mansion kitchen, causing Stephanie to exclaim "Holy crap!" and I had to laugh - certainly not the caliber of kitchen these chefs are used to working in!
Lisa is getting on everyone's nerves, of course, and there's a lot of stress in the kitchen as the pairs prepare their dishes. Then, they're sent to the hotel overnight, only to come back the next day and find that Dale left Stephanie's pork belly out on the counter all night.
My first thought was that he sabotaged her, but she'd said in a voice-over that they'd known each other for over ten years, and he seems genuinely upset when she has them throw away the pork belly, throwing a major wrench into her plans.
Nikki says Antonia seems to be off her game, and Antonia's voice-over says she was thinking about her just-opened restaurant back home more than she should have been. Even more stress brews in the kitchen, but before you know it, it's time for the cocktail party.
I always enjoy watching the guests gush over the dishes while the judges try to keep a poker face on while sampling the goods.
Soon it's time for the Judges' Table, and Stephanie & Richard are called to the table, where Wilo, Tom and Padma are joined by Gail Simmons from Food & Wine magazine.

While nice things were said about Stephanie's dishes, it's clear that the judges' choice and the choice of the party guests was Richard. Tom goes so far as to say Richard's pork belly was a highlight of the evening. When Padma announces Richard the winner of the Challenge, she also tells him he's won a brand new 2009 Corolla! In response to being told he's won a new car, Richard exclaims, "Holy Smokes!"

Next, Lisa and Antonia are called. The judges just basically don't like Lisa's food, saying she concentrated more on the garnish than on the dishes, but Antonia made two mistakes: putting all 3 dishes on one plate, and under-cooking her pigeon peas. She tries to say that she prefers her beans underdone, but Padma says "There's no such thing as al dente beans."
Gail says of Antonia that her dishes were the "least sophisticated" of the ones presented.

America got to vote, either by text message or at Bravo TV dot com (yes, I voted online) to see who should get sent home in this episode: Lisa, Stephanie, Richard, or Antonia. America voted: 91% said Lisa should pack her knives and go!!! 91%!!! I think 90% of that was me voting for Lisa to GO NOW!

So, even though 91% of America wants Lisa to go, the judges send Antonia packing. Damn those under cooked pigeon peas! It should have been Lisa, dammit!!!!
Speaking of Lisa, at the very end, after Richard and Stephanie say tearful good-byes to Antonia, tactless Lisa snipes to Richard and Stephanie, "you could have at least said congratulations to me."
Stephanie mumbles a lame "you should have gone home instead of Antonia" congrats, while Richard says in an aside, "What was that about? You got the bronze and you expect congratulations?"
While I'm happy that the eliminated chefs got to see Puerto Rico and participate in the finale, it really SUCKS that Lisa is in the top 3.
Next week, the Season Finale wraps up. Will it be Richard or Stephanie as Top Chef?
Seriously, if Lisa is crowned the winner, Padma will be telling ME to pack my knives after the ensuing bloodbath. I'm starting with that annoying eyebrow bar ~ what do you think, a grapefruit knife would dig it out pretty well, eh?

Top Chef Season 4 Season FinalePart One = Tonight!

Tonight begins the Season Finale of Top Chef: Chicago, only this week the cheftestants are leaving the midwest behind and arriving in tropical Puerto Rico.
When the season began, my guess for the top 3 would have been Richard, Stephanie, and Dale.
I got two of the three right.
The top 3 going into the finale are Richard, Stephanie, and Antonia.

Then there's Lisa.
Lisa has consistently been in the "worst" bunch in front of the Judge's Table for weeks and weeks.
Only other's screw-ups, like Andrew's funky-tasting faux sushi for the Police Academy, have kept her from being eliminated. Never would I have guessed that this sullen, pouty, overly defensive chef would have made it to the final round. You know she's gotta be sweating it, going up against 3 contestants who deserve to be in the finals.
Bottom line: I don't think her cooking is worthy of being in the finale.
Seeing the preview, I said: "What the eff is up with Lisa's hair?!?"
And am I the only one reminded of Rosie O'Donnell's tragic magazine-lawsuit haircut?
Are there hairdressers out there just lying in wait for stressed-out lesbians?

Speaking of hair, ever since the first episode I thought Richard would make it to the finals. Yes, his faux-hawk drives me nuts, but the guy can cook. I think his ego took a couple hits this season (yes, I'm still harping on that scaly salmon) but I think for him, that was a good thing. I think a dash of humility has actually helped him be a better contestant in the last few episodes. He's just lucky I wasn't a judge the week of the scales on the salmon, because I just find that unforgivable. Looking forward to seeing how he does in Puerto Rico. Hope he remembers to scale the tropical fish.

In the season premiere, my first instinct on "people-who-gotta-go" were Zimma and Stephanie. Zimma got the ax, and I'm happy to say that both Steph and I got past her shaky premiere hands and proved me wrong. Stephanie, who has a penchant for adding apples to almost every challenge, has had some great highs, and some almost-got-the-ax lows. Clearly, she can make basic recipes, and make them well. I've said it before, and I'll say it again - I think that she would be the chef who would be really fun to cook with. When not under intense pressure, she seems to love, love, love cooking. Her problem is sometimes giving into the stress. If she can control her nerves, she has a real chance for Top Chef. But do they have apples in Puerto Rico?

Which brings us to the dark horse in this race: Antonia. At the beginning, frankly, she was under my radar. She wasn't an instant star, and at first I was lumping her in with people we had to get rid of (sorry, Manuel) before the best-of got to go knife-to-knife on the chopping block. But, her humanity and consistent skills separated her from the rest of the pack. She can cook, and cook well. She never had ego trips (yes, Spike, I'm talking about you) or temper tantrums (hello, Dale!), and yet every week she grew into a stronger contestant. While some chefs talked about "signature dishes" and "comfort foods" (yes, Nikki, guilty as charged), Antonia proved that her skills were about elevating the basics into excellence. If this were a horse race, my money would be on Antonia to Win in Puerto Rico.

So, I guess I'm saying: if Lisa doesn't go home tonight, I'm gonna be mad.
Who do you think deserves to be Top Chef?

Bravo X 2

Finally caught up with this week's episode of Top Chef. Spike should not have let those freakin' frozen scallops send him home, instead of pouty defensive Lisa. To quote Dale, "Why are you still here?"

I was very happy for Stephanie and Antonia, and wanted to eat both of their meals.
Spike - what the hell were you thinking, trying to get into a snark attack with guest celebrity chef judge and owner of the restaurant whose skanky scallops were your downfall?
Oh - and speaking of judges, is Gail Simmons preggers or was that lemon top just a really unfortunate wardrobe choice? I wanted Padma to send Gail on to What Not To Wear.

On to my future ex-husband Cody, on Step It Up And Dance. Dude, emote when they tell you to freakin' emote. Smile when you dance, dammit!
Darn that Nick for suddenly realizing he can express.
Best moment of the season - when that firey bitch choreographer Nancy O'Meara and Queen Of The Fembots Elizabeth Berkley almost get into a smackdown over Nancy calling my Cody a snob.
Most freaky celebrity judge of the year on a reality challenge show: Toni Basil, looking like a French bag lady. Did any one else see the close up on her hands? Hold me, Cody!


Don't forget to tune into tomorrow's Snark Attack, when Reeyalla dishes on more reality TV.

Top Chef: Restaurant Wars

13 Moments from Top Chef: Chicago

1. Tom shows up at the Chef House at 5:16am, waking the cheftestants and telling them that this week's Quickfire Challenge is to work the egg station at Mitchell's, the hottest breakfast spot in Chicago.

2. Helene, the restaurant owner, is the guest judge for the egg station.
Her top two eggers: Dale and Antonia, with Antonia winning the challenge.
As winner of the challenge, Antonia gets to pick her team mates for the Elimination Challenge: Restaurant Wars.

3. Antonia is a smart cookie, and she chooses Stephanie and Richard to open the Warehouse Kitchen with her.
Which leaves Dale, Lisa, and Spike to pull together what they call Mai Buddha, which is allegedly Asian Fusion. Everyone has been saying for weeks now, "Dale only cooks Asian." And some have said it will be his downfall...

4. The challenge is to open a restaurant for one night, for 35 diners, with a budget for food and decor from Pier One.

5. Dale and Antonia are their executive chefs for their respective teams, with Spike and Stephanie assuming front-of-house responsibilities.

6. While Tom's away, Bourdain will play - Anthony Bourdain takes over the head judge role in this challenge, saying that the two teams present very different concepts, and two very different teams. Anthony also unveils a surprise for the two teams - they each get to choose a pair of extra hands from eliminated contestants. Dale chooses Jen, while Antonia picks Nikki to make their pasta.

7. In the kitchen, Dale makes a brown avocado sludge that looks like shit, and Lisa says "someone" has messed with her rice on the stove again. I think Lisa has been dipping into departed-Andrew's meds... while Dale should be more of a leader than a fling-everything-and-cuss type of loose cannon.

8. On the other side of the kitchen, Richard's clams have grit. Anyone remember the scales on the salmon from a previous episode? Does Richard not clean his seafood?

9. While Stephanie creates great rapport with her wait staff, Spike is giving orders like he's about to invade Poland. The chef judges show up, and they get served by the Warehouse Kitchen team first. Bourdain tastes the linguine and clams, which are flavored with sausage, "Better than I would have expected."
Queer Eye Ted Allen loves their Lamb Squared, which is lamb with a braised lamb sauce, and Padma raves about Stephanie's Gorgonzola cheesecake, which she expected to dislike.

10. At Mai Buddha, Dale is freaking out in the kitchen (naturally) while the judges diss the silver and purple table linens and decor. The judges don't really care for anything they're served, especially not the butterscotch scallops, and Padma calls their mango sticky rice is called an "atrocity" while Bourdain says it was "baby vomit with wood chips."

11. For the Judges' Table, team Warehouse Kitchen are called first, as the winning team. "I was really impressed," says Anthony Bourdain. Which, to me, is just about the highest compliment a cheftestant in this show could hope for. Stephanie is proclaimed the winner of the challenge, with her teamwork cited, as well as her cheesecake, and she wins a four-star trip for two to Barcelona, Spain which includes a wine-tasting tour.

12. Next, the Mai Buddhas are brought in front of the judges looking like they're facing a firing squad. I wanted to yell, "What do you want on your Tombstone?"
Bourdain tells them, "There were very unpleasant aspects to this meal."
Dale's butterscotch scallops were universally hated by the judges and the guests, and Lisa's smoky soup was like sticking your nose in a campfire, just liquid smoke. Spike's short ribs were the high light of the meal, where as the mango sticky rice was like "baby food garnished with potpourri."
Dale and Lisa try to play the blame game about the rice, until they are told to shut the hell up by Bourdain, and they're told that a "lack of team work is not what this business is about."

13. While I personally think that Lisa's horrific dishes should have given her the ax this time, it's Dale who's told to pack his knives and leave. Aside from sounding disgusting, how are butterscotch scallops Asian, anyway, Dale?
I'd originally picked Dale to make it to the top 3, with Stephanie and Richard. But he just cannot be a team player, and has such a short fuse that distracts him from creating good food. Now my choices for the top 3 are Stephanie, Antonia, and Richard.
Lisa has got to go next! I just want to say, "Lisa, you are... the weakest link."

Top Chef: Boxed Lunch

13 moments from this week's
Top Chef Season 4: Chicago

1. Quickfire Challenge - create a salad in 45 minutes. Spike thinks his salad is hot. He says, "Let's have sex after we eat this salad." Um... let's not.
2. Former Top Chef Season 2 finalist (and yummeriffic hottie) Sam Talbot is the guest judge, and he is less-than thrilled with the salads of Richard, Stephanie, and Lisa. He likes the salads of Antonia, Dale, and Spike - who won the challenge with a steak and pineapple salad that looked good, but not enough to make me wanna go horizontal with Spike...
3. For the Elimination Challenge, Padma tells the cheftestants that they are to make boxed lunches for the Chicago Police Academy. The box lunches must be healthy, low-carb, and follow specific ingredient guidelines, including using a lean protein and a whole grain.
4. As winner of the Quickfire Challenge, Spike gets an extra ten minutes to shop for his lunch, and the other contestants are not allowed to use Spike's 4 main ingredients: chicken, bread, lettuce, and tomato. He is so arrogant in the grocery store, clearly picking popular ingredients just so other people can't use them, that I'm thrilled when the judges dislike his chicken salad that he creates with it -- a chicken salad with olives AND grapes in it (blech!) and then he just has the tomato, lettuce, and bread on the side! I wanted to smack him.
   
5. Andrew, who has been relatively calm the past few episodes, must have run out of Ritalin for this episode, and he is in full spazz-mode this week. He keeps talking about how he's studied nutrition, yet his faux sushi (his "rice" is made out of raw parsnip) just sounds disgusting, and his peers are flabbergasted that he's trying to pass off sushi as a hearty meal for cops.
6. At the Police Academy cafeteria, Richard keeps asking "Do you like burritos?" for his faux burritos. The tuna sounds good inside his 'burrito' but the see-through rice wrap looks like wilted wax paper. Chef Tom states that at least it tastes better than it looks.
7. Meanwhile, Spike tries to create a "need" for his dish by only keeping two boxed lunches on the table at a time. If he'd put half as much thought into the dish as he did with the sneakiness and theatrics of his shit, his chicken salad might not have SUCKED. Olives AND grapes together ~ yuk!
8. At the Judges' Table, Stephanie's soup is a hit - very well seasoned, both Tom and Queer Eye Ted Allen say. But it's Dale's lemongrass bison cups that win over the judges, and Dale wins his 5th Elimination Challenge. He also wins a bigass bottle of wine, and two tickets to the winery.
9. The three worst box lunches were Spike's chicken salad, Lisa's raw shrimp un-cooked rice non-stir fry, and Andrew's raw sushi with no rice (shredded parsnips? ick!). Spike, Lisa, and Andrew all back-talk the judges, and all three easily could have been sent home.
10. Lisa tells the judges that her rice was sabotaged, and won't own up to her un-cooked shrimp. But she goes off on how her dish followed the directions, where as the other two people before the judges did not follow the rules.
11. Spike asks Tom if he doesn't understand the concept of salty and sweet together in regards to his olives and grapes, and Tom replies that the taste of olives just don't combine well with grapes together in a chicken salad. Plus, they really hate it that he "wasted" his other ingredients - which he states directly to the judges that he didn't choose those items to screw over his peers, even though he's on tape stating exactly that.
12. Andrew brags about his nutritious raw dish to the judges, but Padma and Tom point out that his meal needed to be hearty -- to which Andrew asks, "Was that in the rules?" Yes, Padma assures the spazz, and when Padma asks him why he didn't use a whole grain, Andrew lamely states, "I lost my rule sheet."
    
13. At the judge's table, the judges are surprised (and I think a bit disappointed) at the arrogance and non-ownership of the worst three. Meanwhile, in the "holding cell" Andrew and Lisa are at each other's throats and raking each other over the coals. When the terrible trio are called back in front of the judges, Mr. Culinary Boner Andrew is sent packing. While we have seen some gracious exits (Ryan) from the Elimination Challenge, Andrew is cocky to the end and is spazzing all over the place. Andrew is sent home for a really lousy boxed lunch.

While the judges get to choose who is Top Chef, you can vote for the Fan Favorite at Bravo TV dot com.
Next week - Restaurant Wars!

~~~ for another take on the Boxed Lunch episode, check out our own favorite chef's blog: Ms Maggie Moo Talks 2U
.

Wedding Wars

13 moments from this week’s Top Chef: Chicago,
with 8 contestants (4 men, 4 women) remaining.

1. Quickfire Challenge: After Padma tells the contestants that the QF Challenge winners no longer have immunity, Tom presides over a relay challenge. The contestants are separated into two teams, Nikki-Dale-Lisa-Spike, and Richard-Stephanie-Antonia-Andrew.
2. For the relay, it’s Lisa versus Antonia to peel and supreme 5 oranges, and Lisa kicks citrus ass. Then it’s Spike versus Andrew in an artichoke peel-off. Spike messes up his choke, but for some reason Tom passes it; Andrew’s artichokes are clearly superior. Then Dale goes head to head over a really hideous monkfish against Richard, who displays a skilled hand with the fish – but they finish in a dead heat. Finally, it’s Nikki versus Stephanie for a quart of home-made mayonnaise – after Nikki states she can’t make mayo. Stephanie makes a lovely quart of mayo, and Dale flips out that his team lost the challenge. He drops the F-bomb and punches a locker, and Antonia says, “Then he had to have his diaper changed.” My first laugh-out loud moment of the evening!
3. The winning team in the QF challenge gets to select their choice in the Elimination Challenge, which is Wedding Wars. The winning team chooses the bride to please, and the Dale-Nikki-Lisa-Spike-cluster-fuck gets the groom. Nikki and the groom bond because they’re both Italian, and it seems like the groom team has an advantage, but then we cut directly to a snide Dale in the diary room saying “No one really likes each other on this team.” Yes, there is no Dale in TEAM.
4. Dale’s “team” thinks that he is doing too many things helter-skelter, and so Spike takes over the sea bass. Nikki makes her pasta, and butts heads with Dale over what ingredients go into a ragu. But, Nikki totally drops the ball when it comes to trying to make her peers into a team, and basically says, “whatever.”
5. Tom comes in at 7:33am to tell them they have three and a half hours left of prep time, and to make a snarky comment about Lisa’s butt-ugly groom’s cake. It truly is an unattractive cake.
6. The Top Chef quiz of the week: Which Chef is the most annoying? The choices = Lisa, Dale, or Spike. America votes, and chooses Dale.
7. The gang heads over to the wedding reception hall, where the testy cheftestants are at each other’s throats. Padma introduces this week’s judges: Tom, Gail Simmons from Food & Wine, and Gale Sand, the top pastry chef in Chicago. Stephanie, who’s making the wedding cake, has a tight undies moment when she realizes that Gale Sand will be tasting her cake. Stephanie’s cake is beautiful, garnished with fresh flowers.
8. The appetizers are served, and most get raves. The crostini that Dale made, however, is like a rock.
9. The meal is buffet style, with some of the chefs serving, some as runners to the kitchen, and Dale and Andrew in the kitchen doing the final cooking. Antonia states, “Dale is not allowed to talk to the guests” while Dale is whining in the kitchen that he’s doing everything for every one.
10. “The brisket is delicious,” states Padma of the bride’s team entrée, and Tom gushes about the horseradish sauce. But they don’t like Andrew’s chicken – saying he just made that exact same dish.
11. The groom’s buffet does not garner such praise. Nikki’s squash-filled tortellini is “not very good” and even though Lisa likes her “pretty” cake, everyone else mumbles how ugly it is.
12. Time for the Judges’ Table. The bride’s team is first, because they are the clear winners. Not everything is a hit – the creamed spinach which Andrew slaved over was flavored with star anise, and it was sad to see one of my favorite dishes messed up. Stephanie’s cake impressed guest pastry chef Gale Sand, and since Richard stepped up and took control and made that fantastic brisket, he won the challenge. He immediately says “I’d like to give it to Stephanie.” Once Padma realizes he’s not kidding, she awards new winner Stephanie a $2,000 gift certificate to Crate & Barrel. Stephanie immediately says she’s splitting the certificate with Richard. The groom’s team could have taken a lesson on team work from these people!
13. The losing team is then dragged out to the judges… and when they are asked who was in charge, Nikki pipes up, “Definitely NOT me!” They are slammed for having too many different dishes, and too many dishes that didn’t taste good. Dale is pissy, and gets into a bitch-fest with Spike, whose sea bass was their one good dish. “Everyone should have liked it,” snivels Dale, “It took him three hours.” Tom says that Nikki was “a major disappointment” for not having stepped up and grabbed the bulls by the horn, so in the end it was Nikki and her annoying eye brows that are told to get the hell out!

Top Chef: Cooking With Kids

13 moments from tonight's episode of Top Chef: Chicago

1. This week's guest chef/judge was Art Smith. The Quickfire Challenge: Create a fabulous entree in 15 minutes, with the help of Uncle Ben's pre-cooked microwave rice.
2. In this challenge, the bottom 3 were Mark, Stephanie, and Lisa. The top 3 were Dale, Richard, and Antonia - whose rice salad with skirt steak won over Art Smith's taste buds.
3. For the Elimination Challenge, the chefs are told to create a simple, affordable, nutritious meal for a family of four - with a budget of TEN DOLLARS. And, it needed to be a meal that a family would actually eat.
4. Andrew is floored about the ten buck budget, "It's impossible. Im-Possible!" Welcome to the real world of cooking for a family, Andrew.
5. This week's twist: the chefs get a mini sous chef - a student in Art's Common Threads program.
6. Lisa's sous chef is named Andrew, and they make a bland chicken over beans. Little Andrew doesn't like garlic, so Lisa tosses the garlic in the trash - OOPS! There goes the flavor! Richard really clicks with his helper, Abigail, and they make chicken with beets. Ugh, Richard - my least favorite food item, ever! Blech!
7. Antonia got all choked up when she realized she was cooking with kids - she's a single mom - and her mini-chef Jeffrey helps her make a linguini and chicken stir fry. Spike's sidekick Alex helps him make a carrot soup and a pasta puttanesca. Thirty seconds into peeling carrots for the soup, Alex is bleeding. Spike tells him that cutting himself and bleeding is a sign of good luck in the kitchen.
8. Kiwi Mark mumbles his helper's name (it's Jesucita) every time and he makes a vegetable curry. It sounds and looks disgusting. Nikki and her helper Ann Marie make a one-pot chicken with potatoes and brussels sprouts. Dale goes for turkey brats with potatoes & apples, with the help of tiny Emmanuel.
9. Andrew and Miguel make chicken thighs with fennel bulb. Fennel seems like an odd choice to cook for a family, but maybe that's just me. Stephanie & Arlynn make couscous.
10. Tonight's Top Chef Poll: What was tonight's biggest challenge = only 15 minutes for the quick challenge, a ten dollar budget, or having a kid as a sous chef. America says that working a ten dollar meal for a family of four is the biggest challenge.
11. Most of the chefs love cooking with the kids. Richard says he wants to go home "and make babies" after working with Abigail.
12. Their food is served to a room full of Common Threads students, where the mini sous chefs get to explain their meals to their peers, and of course, the judges - who choose Nikki's one-pot-wonder, Andrew's chicken with fennel (who knew?), and Antonia's pasta stir-fry as the top three meals. Antonia's whole wheat pasta with chicken wins. I think this is the first time a contestant with Quick Fire Immunity has won the elimination challenge this season. We saw more of Antonia tonight, and she's impressed me. She's now replaced Stephanie in my prediction of final top three - along with Dale and Richard.
13. The bottom three tonight were Lisa's bland, unseasoned chicken with beans (nutritious, yes - flavorful, nope), Stephanie's couscous - which had a peanut butter & tomato sauce (Padma called it "disgusting"), and Kiwi Mark's veggie curry. Mark says he's in the bottom three again because "I think Tom doesn't like me." Tom laughs uncomfortably, and says "Are you serious?" When Padma tells Mark to Pack His Knife, Tom says for the record that he doesn't dislike Mark, and that they might grab a beer sometime together. I was glad that Mark got the axe, for he seemed to get whinier every week, and his food got worse and worse. It was time for him to grab the marmite and go away.

Next week on Top Chef: Wedding Wars!

Top Chef: 2nd City

13 moments from last night's
Top Chef: Chicago

1. This episode begins with Jenn saying "I can't be in the middle anymore." Isn't this what I said a couple of weeks ago = that Jenn was one of those we kept seeing not in the top three, but not in the bottom three. That she was just riding a wave of mediocrity.
2. The Quickfire Challenge's guest judge is hottie Pastry Chef Johnny Iuzzini, who tells the contestants to make "a delicious dessert." No one is happy about this.
3. The bottom 3 dessertians were Antonia, Spike, and Kiwi Mark.
4. The top 3 dessert chefs were Dale, Lisa, and Richard - who won the challenge by making "banana scallops" - his recipe will be featured in a future Top Chef Cookbook.
5. Prior to the start of the Elimination Challenge, the group is taken to Second City Improv for some comedy. And they quickly determine that this is where the idea for their Elimination Challenge will derive. There's no knife-pull this week, the contestants get to choose a partner, and numbers (corresponding to the courses of the meal in the challenge) are drawn from a hat.
6. Along with Chef Iuzzini, Padma, Queer Eye Ted Allen and Chef Tom, the improv comedians from 2nd City are guest judges for the elimination meal.
   
7. Dale & Richard get 'green perplexed tofu' - and their dish, as well as its presentation, is a hit among the guests & judges. They marinated a tofu steak in rendered beef fat (is it tofu, or is it steak - hey, it's perplexed!), then grilled it and served it with a green curry. Tom says, "This is very good." And Ted Allen states, "They did a good job of conveying perplexed."
   
8. Jenn & Stephanie think they are just ooh-lah-la sexually flamboyant with their 'orange turned-on asparagus', and present their asparagus and orange slices on a giant chewy crouton that the judges despise. They did have a cute presentation when serving the dish, however.
9. Spike and Andrew clearly love their 'yellow vanilla love' concept, and they make squash soup with a vanilla creme fraiche.
   
10. Lisa and Antonia get 'magenta drunk polish sausage' as their dish to improv, so they make sea bass. Huh? Plus, Lisa & Antonia toast each other with a shot of tequila during their presentation to the judges, but don't give a shot to their guests, clearly pissing off the people they're trying to impress!
    
11. Mark & Nikki go for a pork roast with brussel sprouts topped with bacon for 'purple depressed bacon' - and this looks like a nice yummy dish to me. For once, Nikki's "comfort food" keeps her out of the worst-of pile.
    
12. The two top teams were Dale & Richard's perplexing grilled tofu, and Spike & Andrew's soup, which Tom called, "The best seasoned dish of the entire season." The winner, however, was the team of Dale & Richard, who each won $2,500 worth of Calphalon cookware.
13. The bottom two teams were Antonia & Lisa, and Stephanie & Jenn. Antonia and Lisa are berated for NOT having polish sausage in their polish sausage dish. Guest Chef Iuzzini says that a great interpretation of "drunk polish sausage" would have been to have polish sausage marinated in beer - but both contestants are adamantly anti-polish sausage. However, it's Jenn's inedible crouton that sends her packing, as a stunned "I can't believe it wasn't me" Stephanie looks on.
    

Expletive Deleted, it's Top Chef!

13 moments from Top Chef: Chicago, Episode 5

1. Tonight's guest judge: Chef Ming Tsai from Boston's Blue Ginger Restaurant.
2. The Quickfire Challenge = a blindfold palette test, to see if the contestants could identify quality ingredients strictly by taste. Some of the 15 ingredients they had to taste were maple syrup, bacon, crab, chocolate, butter, cheddar cheese, soy sauce, caviar, pork, olive oil, and sake.
3. The contestant with the worst challenge was two-time Elimination Challenge winner Stephanie, only getting 6 of the 15 correct. Ryan and Jen tied for second-best, each correctly identifying 11 of the 15 ingredients for quality. The winner of the Quickfire Challenge, selecting 12 of the 15 was Antonia.
4. This week's Elimination Challenge was to create a first course for 80 people attending the Meals On Wheels Charity Celebrity Chef Ball in Chicago. There were 320 guests, so the contestants were broken down into four teams, each with a theme: Earth, Air, Fire, and Water. Chef Tsai's advice: "Keep it simple, execute it perfectly."
   
5. Team Water consisted of Andrew, Kiwi Mark, and Richard. Fire was Stephanie, Dale, and Lisa. Earth was Spike, Zoi, and Antonia. And Air had Jenn, Ryan, and Nikki. Dale and Lisa clearly were not fond of having to work with each other on this challenge. They butt heads over the dish choice and almost come to blows in Whole Foods.
6. Bravo TV posted a poll: Who deserves a spanking for being difficult? The choices were Anontia, Dale, and Lisa. I'm not sure that Antonia deserves to be on this list - certainly Spazz Andrew or Spazz Spike would be better choices as "most difficult!"
7. After some frantic cooking, it's time for The Judge's Table. Padma calls the Fire Team back first. "Congratulations," they are told, their spicy marinated shrimp with chiles and bacon was the clear favorite of both the judges and the guests. Chef Tom, not usually generous with praise, says this was a "great dish." Stephanie is complemented for her shrimp, and Chef Ming Tsai selects Lisa's bacon as the winner of the challenge. As winner, she received a trip for 2 to Italy. Dale is NOT happy about this, "She made bacon and she gets a trip to (expletive deleted) Italy. Are you kidding me?!?"
8. Earth and Water are called next, having made the two worst dishes of the evening. For Team Water, Richard's poached salmon had scales in it, Andrew's faux caviar (flavored tapioca - how many weeks can he serve this - is this the only thing he knows how to make?) is flavorless, and Kiwi Mark's vanilla and parsnip sauce (ew!) was apparently as ghastly as it sounds. If I was Richard, I would have died on the spot of embarrassment to have Chef Ming Tsai tell me he had "five or six" fish scales in his mouth!
   
9. Team Earth fares even worse than the Water Boys, however, for their bland steak carpaccio and even-blander mushrooms. Chef Tom says, "Nothing was seasoned." And Ming Tsai reiterates, "Every element needed more seasoning." Spike tells the judges the dish wasn't his idea, that he wanted to make butternut squash soup, but was vetoed by Immunity-holding Antonia. The judges are surprised, for soup apparently, would have been the perfect choice for this challenge! Oops! It is identified that Zoi created the worst part of the dish: the bland mushrooms. When are these contestants going to learn to stay away from mushrooms? (Remember the blueberry-mushroom turds?) The contestants are sent back to the sequestering room to stew while the judges tear them apart.
10. Team Air, who didn't get called before the judges, made duck. It didn't sound like the best duck in the world, but apparently, fish scales and unsalted mushrooms were worse than so-so duck. Jenn, part of the Air Bags, once again is neither on the top team, nor on the bottom team. If her strategy is to stay mediocre and under the radar, it seems to be working harder than the gel in her faux-hawk.
    
11. Personally, I would have sent Richard home for his salmon with scales. First, how could Whole Foods sell salmon with the scales still on? Second, how could Richard NOT know there were way more than "one or two scales" (as he tries to tell the judges) still on the fish after preparation?!? I think this is inexcusable.
12. The judges hate the unseasoned mushrooms even worse than the scaly salmon. Tom says, "There was very little earthiness in that dish." Since Zoi made the mushrooms, and thought they rocked when they did NOT, she is sent packing.
13. In the back room, Richard is crying with relief that his scales didn't send him home, thanking the culinary gods, I'm guessing, for bland mushrooms. Jenn is shocked and indignant that her partner Zoi has been sent packing, and an expletive-deleted chef cat fight breaks out once Zoi has grabbed her knives and left the building. There are enough F-bombs flying to fertilize-and-season a ton of mushrooms, Zoi!

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Snark Attack!

Here are some moments that have made Reality Show Television a shame-fest guilty pleasure over the past week:

The hideous vision of Chef Gordon Ramsey chowing on raw diver scallops with caviar, capers and venison - then tossing his cookies in a curiously convenient waste basket. This reporter has to give him credit, such a rag-tag nightmare would not cross this lady's lips. Shudder in fear and run away. There’s not a lobotomy comprehensive enough to wash that from my mind.

Robyn Anton from The Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious spouting off during the shows opening that she’s the one who’s gonna make them a star. My, aren’t you special. Just have the golden touch, don’t you? Yes, lightning struck with the Pussycat Dolls, but so apparently, did the head the size of a large watermelon. Seriously, she comes off as the saint of the desperate prayers of the wannabes, but who knows what happened to last years winner of The Next Pussycat Doll? Anyone? She told Ms. Anton where to stick it and refused the contract.

Simon Cowell in a foul and evil mood on American Idol on Tuesday berating Carly Smithson for her wardrobe choices. A lot of people can say something about wardrobing. Perhaps he of the ubiquitous black t-shirt should take a pass on that. I do have a bit of a chip on my shoulder about him. I shall never forgive him for inundating our home with the Teletubbies. Yes, he is the one responsible for them. Everybody boo and toss your tubby-red purse in his direction. He really does seem to know music. As long as we’re mentioning the Terminator of every young wannabe’s dream of entering the music biz, a big ole smoocher to St. Simon’s overly petulant pout for calling little David’s dad on the carpet for pushing his son, and in some bad directions too. That comment about how David did not pick the song seemed to be directed right at that father of his, who is reported to have made his son break down and sob for not being the hero of the night. Someone needs a Valium and the Dina Lohan Faux-lebrity Ego-deflation package.

Dina Lohan. Ms Bytes watches some crappy reality television, but not the upcoming Dina Lohan Back-Pat Fest. There is not a plot line compelling enough to turn on that, nor The Hills. Maybe if this reporter smoked what Gordon Ramsey suggested one of the “cheftestants” was asked to smoke... but that’s not legal.

The looks on the faces of the captain of the Maverick and his wife when a ship sank with all hands, on the first season of Deadliest Catch. This is a top, Top reality show. It’s in re-runs now, but it’s compelling (in a way Ice Road Truckers can never be) and downright scary. I have had an issue eating crab since seeing it, though. Frightening little spider-creeps that the are.

Daisy on Rock of Luuuuuv! Crying, because all the girls are against her. Sweet-lips, you live with your ex boyfriend, just announced you supported him by becoming a "dancer,” (and I don’t think she means en pointe) and have no intention of changing a thing. Oh nevermind, you seem just like Brett’s type, now that I look at it that way.

Speaking of Things, Thing 1 and Thing 2 were separated on Flavor of Love. For those of you smart enough to avoid this volcano spew of disease and regret, the Things are twins, one of which is far more well fed than the other. Twin to twin transfusion post in-utero? They were in this as a team until one of the new girls wisely pointed out that they couldn’t both marry Flav and have it be legal. One twin didn’t care if he spent one night in her room and the next night in her sister's. Really? You think that’s what he wants? Someone needs to pay more attention to the letters section of Penthouse if they want to learn what Flav really wants and it’s not to play musical beds. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Finally, a moment from last week's Top Chef: “Scary Erik” as Mo calls him, disses Chef Rick Bayless. You’d think that dissing a well-loved and respected chef on national television would be enough. Especially when you served crap food to said well-loved and respected chef. Apparently, it’s not. In a recent article in New York Magazine, Erik opens his mouth, inserts his nasty sneaker and spouts, “I think gourmet and Mexican just don’t belong together. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with making great Mexican food. Fine dining? Eh, not so much.” Tapping Scary Erik on the shoulder, leaning in and saying, “Topolobampo” in his ear. That’s the restaurant Rick Bayless made famous for doing upscale restaurant food. The menu of which can be found here: http://www.rickbayless.com/menu/layout?id=4

Oh rats, now I’m all hungry!

~~~~
Tune in next Friday for another installment of Snark Attack
with Reeyala T Bytes, right here @ Captured By Gravity.
~~~~

Top Chef: Episode 4

13 Moments from Top Chef: Chicago, Episode 4

1. At the Quickfire Challenge, Padma introduces allegedly "world renowned" Chef Daniel Boulud. Other than Ryan (who worked for Chef Daniel very briefly) and Richard, who seems to worship the guy, no one else seems very impressed. Chef Daniel (pronounced "Danielle") says even though he knows Ryan & Richard, he won't let that influence his judging. The challenge: create a vegetable plate incorporating three different culinary techniques. In a diary-aside, Spike says he was classically trained as a chef in France. Who knew? Chef Daniel is "very impressed" with Dale's technique, and with Richard's mushrooms. Manuel's looked like he peeled a lemon and put a sprig of greens on a fennel stalk - Chef Daniel is not impressed.
   
2. The 3 worst in the Quickfire Challenge: Nikki, Lisa, and Manuel. The three best were Dale, Zoi, and Richard. Dale won, getting immunity in the Elimination Challenge.
3. For the big challenge of the evening: The chefs are to create one course of a six-course dinner, inspired by their favorite movie. Chef Daniel's favorite movie, by the way, is Casablanca. I'm glad I don't have to try to prepare a meal based on that one!
4. The celebrity guests for the Elimination Challenge dinner are Chicago film critic Richard Roeper and actress Aisha Tyler.
5. They are paired up, and Dale gets to pick which pair he joins. He says he wants to work with Richard and Andrew - that he really wants to cook with Andrew. Considering that before we've seen Dale does NOT work well with others, this is an interesting turn. Then we get a diary-aside of Andrew saying that Dale is clinging to them, because the weak gravitate to the strong. Um, hello - memo to Andrew: you did NOT win the Quickfire Challenge - Dale did! Clearly, at that moment, he is the stronger contestant! Andrew seems MUCH less spastic in this episode. Did someone get the boy some Ritalin?
6. As team "Willy Wonka" prepares their dish, Andrew says that he thinks their food will make the judges have a "culinary crap in their pants." Nice phrasing, Spazz. Back at the chef house, Andrew says he wants to present the meal to the dinner guests as an Oompa Loompa. Fortunately, Dale and Richard prevail and prevent Spazz from ruining it for them with his Oompa Loompa-antics. Just before the trio is about to serve their smoked salmon, Richard's smoker quits. He was going to use the "put the smoke under the saran wrap" idea again - but since he's already played that card, I think their dish is stronger without it. Dale says of the saran wrap "take it off take it off take it off!" Along with the salmon, they have a white chocolate wasabi sauce, which apparently tastes better than it sounds, a faux caviar made out of tapioca, and a fizzy drink that it's appropriate to burp with, just like in the movie. The judges not only are surprised to love the food, but enjoy the tie-in presentation to the movie. They dodged a bullet by restraining Andrew's Oompa Loompa impression!
   
7. Manuel and Spike are teamed together, and Spike seems to have taken over the spazz-role from Andrew this week. Manuel wants to create a dish from Like Water For Chocolate, which is a FOOD MOVIE, and I think that is genius. Spike goes "huh?" and insists that since he cooks Vietnamese food for a living, they should cook Vietnamese food. So they pick Good Morning, Vietnam. Which is really a military flick, not a Vietnamese cuisine movie... They make a summer roll with chilean sea bass and green apples that just sounds gross, served next to a little wad of cud that they try to pass off as swiss chard. It looks like a turd of canned kale. The judges catch on real quick that they picked the type of food first and tried to select a movie to match, which was NOT the challenge. Plus, Aisha slams the summer roll wrapper, as chewy and not very good. Hmmmm..... Spike makes these for a living?
   
8. Jenn and Nikki choose Il Postino for their movie, saying it's a romantic film set in rustic Europe, and Nikki pounces on the chance to make home-made pasta, which she says is her "forte" -- hello, does she NOT remember that just last week, she called her macaroni and cheese her "signature dish"??? Cue the ominous music again. The judges proclaim their meal as "good, not great" and Queer Eye Ted Allen calls it "one note." Guest critic Richard Roeper, on the other hand, says he doesn't know what the hell everyone else is talking about, he loved it!
9. Kiwi Mark wants to use To Kill A Mockingbird, but his partner Ryan doesn't even consider this classic as an option. Which, for a food challenge, I actually agree with the decision - unless you're serving Fillet Of Finch, what would you cook? Mark has never seen Dumb & Dumber, which Ryan thinks is "bleeping hilarious" and Ryan pushes for "that Christmas movie with the BB gun" and the Chinese Restaurant scene. He can't even remember the name "A Christmas Story" and has to go ask other contestants - my last shred of lust for Ryan goes up in smoke. Their dish, however, is a spring roll with quail (Whole Foods was out of duck - say what?) and fresh cranberries. Ted Allen says, "I think I have a new favorite dish" and other guests call it "fantastic."
10. I'm still not quite sure how Val Kilmer and a Holstein (which is a milk cow, not a beef cow, Lisa) in Top Secret makes you think of steak, other than the cow = steak connection, but Top Secret is one of my favorite comedies, and the judges freakin' loved Stephanie & Lisa's "original" and "flawless" dish with caramel sauce over steak that was cooked so "perfect" it made Ted Allen pronounce the dish's components as "so harmonious."
11. Talk To Her, a movie I'd never heard of, is chosen by Antonia and Zoi, proclaiming it as a vibrant movie with two strong women. They say that the movie has vibrant colors and is about two strong women. Their dish is rack of lamb, with a runny califlower sauce. The judges say they didn't "sell" the movie connection, and it's only after the judges proclaim it one of their least favorites that they try to pitch the "two strong women is why you got two lamb chops" idea. They are berated for not having vibrant colors in the dish, and for "not transporting" them into the idea of the movie. They get told their dish was okay, but didn't tie it into the movie or their set-up. They are surprised they are selected as one of the judge's least favorites, but because their dish is "okay" they are both saved from the ax.
12. Which brings us back to Spike and Manuel, the judges' other least favorite. Clearly they should have gone with Like Water For Chocolate -(which is an amazing book, too, by the way - if you love the magic of food, you will love this book). I would have loved to see what Manuel could have done with that. Instead, the judges know that they picked the style of food first, instead of the movie first, and they are amazed that Spike and Manuel spent their entire budget of $150 on this dish - calling it an eight-dollar eggroll. Ted Allen wants to know why they didn't use lobster or another expensive ingredient. They didn't like the fish in it, and clearly did not think the swish chard wad went with the dish. The judges agonize over who to send home: Spike, for controlling the dish, or Manuel for going along with Spike.
13. Manuel is told to pack his knives and go home. Unlike Scary Erik from the week before, Manuel is gracious, calm, cool, and collected. He thanks the judges, and his fellow contestants for the experience, and he says it was a great experience. He is the first of the eliminated contestants who I would love not only to eat their food, but also who I would want to share a kitchen with to cook a meal. I wish him the best in his future endeavors!

For another blogger's take on this episode,
check out our own Chef Mags' review
at MsMaggie Moo Talks 2U.

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Top Chef Episode 3: Meet the Neighbors!

13 Moments from Top Chef: Chicago, Episode 3

1. The Quickfire Challenge's guest chef was Rick Bayless. The challenge: create an upscale taco, worthy of being served in a fine dining establishment. Right away we cut to Scary Erik and Spike slamming the concept - when are these people going to learn that if they want to be Top Chef, they need to embrace the challenges?
2. Chef Bayl