Snark Attack

Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Kim’s head is so far up her posterior, that she cannot see the sunshine. I have nothing against a young lady with a large bottom, being blessed/cursed with that myself. This week we found the family teasing Kim relentlessly, Bruce Jenner, yes of Olympic fame, acting like a ten year old and some crying, whining and brouhaha. Actually, it reminded me so much of my teen years I think I need to go into therapy.

2. News in TV land: Bret Michaels, having found someone to schtup for the moment, will no longer be doing Rock of Love. Rumor has it that they've hired Ritchie Sambora for Rock of Love III. Ritchie Sambora of the formerly-married-to-Heather Locklear fame. This should be good for a laugh at least.

3. Hell’s Kitchen: Oh my god, a sweet sixteen party that they spent who knows how much on? Where was my sweet sixteen like that? I demand a re-do. *I* at least, know how to cook a steak, unlike some contestants.

4. American Idol: Bye-Bye Jason Castro, yea of the dread locks and plaintive voice. It’s “in the jingle jangle morning, I’ll come following you.” Not “mumble, blush, mumble, make a strange noise, look like you want the floor to open beneath you.” Learn your music honey. Really. I know it’s hard. I’m a diva myself, and fear has frozen me many a time, but build a bridge. An idol needs to know the lyrics, unless they’re Amy Winehouse, and then they just need to know where to hide the drugs.

5. The Bachelor: London Calling. If Matt does not pick Shayne, I will personally have a screaming tirade at the TV. This brought about by the drinking game I invented where I have a shot every time someone claims to be in love after a mere five weeks of sharing someone with god knows how many other people and STD’s. Still, Shayne seems to be someone who holds her family together (and with Lorenzo Lamas for a dad, someone has to be mature) and is wise beyond her years. Go Shayne.

All I’m saying is Farmer Wants a Wife is too lame for even me to watch and Flavor of Love went so far south, it’s in Antarctica and I am all about spring, not winter right now. Won’t even turn it on anymore. I need more Celebrity Fit Club with a drunken Shortcake. Dang, now that was some interesting TV.